The 'Comment' Section that I Just Discovered. Sorry all commenters.

Hailoo..

Well, basically, I just noticed the comment button at the blog-setting thingy. So, I just read some of the comments that had been posted years ago. Nak reply pun macam dah bertahun dah, too late bruh, too late.

Nak gelak dengan diri sendiri. Kah2

Sorry for not replying to your questions, comments, heart sharing semua la. hahahahahahahaha

Setelah Hidup Lebih Dari 23 tahun

Yes, you read it right. It has been years since I last wrote my blog post. Bukan bersawang, nak roboh dah ni.

Now I am in my fourth year in medical course. Alhamdulillah.. One and a half more years. Chaiyyok!

This week is my last rotation with OnG. Right now, I am feeling unmotivated. There are a lot of things to do, but, but, but, I feel like doing nothing.

So this year, a lot of thing happened. The most profound one is my father's death. He died due to myocardial ischemia. It was a sudden death. I was still in Ireland that time. So I didn't get a chance to see him getting buried with my own eyes. My half brother did sent some pictures. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. Few months after that, my step mother died. She was sick for a few years already. It was a heartbreaking event for my half siblings. I hope God give them strength to keep going.

So, yeah. There is a lot going on this year.

We never know when will our life end, so let us live a life without regret, in this life and hereafter.

Ciao

NEXT WEEK IS WINTER FINAL EXAM SECOND YEAR!

Assalamualaikum,,,,

Well, as you can see from the title of this post, it is about FINAL EXAM!!!!

Today is SATURDAY and final exam is on next MONDAY!!!!!

I'm going crazayyyyh.

Ya, sekarang aku basically tengah study sambil blogging sambil dengar lagu Fyn Jamal 'Terbang Tunduk' sambil headbanging bajet feel dengan lagu tu.

Apa perasaan aku sekarang? Sangat CUAKKK. Ini seriyes!

Sebab kan.... sebab kan....

Result CA FM21002 Renal sangat la hancus akibat dari study atas katil then setiap kali study tertidur makanya tak study dan banyak lecture notes yang tak baca. Makanya.. result physio hancus. Dan, aku pun sedikit sebanyak demotivated. BANYAK mungkin..

Aku sedar..... study tak tara mana.. Dan soalan final kot, mungkin susah.

Kenapa stress semacam? Sebab waktu first year aku dah repeat kot, so kalau tak lepas second year mungkin aku kena stop journey aku sampai sini je. Bayangkan.. dari buat medic jadi budak berhenti medic, dari budak oversea mungkin jadi budak berhenti belajar oversea, dari bergerak aktif kat sini jadi................ orang yang bawa reputasi buruk kat sini.

Kadang-kadang diri sendiri tak sedar yang diri ni banyak tanggungjawab. Tanggungjawab dengan Allah.... dengan family... dengan jemaah..... dengan diri sendiri.

Jangan give up.......... jangan give up.... bertahan.....

Pray for myself.

Learning about Depression..

Assalamualaikum..

Wow, what a depress title. Lol.

Well, my life always has it's ups and downs. And there's always problems that I have to face. That's life.. Just get over it.

But, couple of weeks ago, the way I handle them is quite.. not good. I didn't let go. I kept it instead. And the stress accumulated, until there's one point in my life that I feel I'm not being myself.

I look in the mirror but I see another person. Yes, the face is still the same but she's not Zakiah that I knew. The twinkles in her eyes are gone. There's only sadness and despair. And even when I don't perceive my problem as big as it was before, the gloom is still there. I'm sad.. yes, despair without any concrete reason!

I can cry anytime, for any reason. And I just want to escape, run away from everything. I treat a lot of people badly and feel terribly guilty after that.

Until one day when I can't hold on anymore I started to talk and let everything go, well, not really everything, but it's a good start. I found that my mental health is getting better.

It should have a happy ending, but you have to take note that I just pass a phase of depression, so the sadness doesn't go away just like that. I am still very fragile. I'm easily cracked and I always find my inner self breaking apart. And the cycle continues again and again.

But my heart is healing, slowly... insya Allah.

Whenever I feel I'm in the bad situation again, I just need to turn back to Him.

So if you feel the same, just turn back to Him, no matter how unappealing the idea is to you. But believe me, it always works :) with His will.

The Meaning of "Being Myself"

Assalamualaikum,

I once asked my friend, should I be gentle like her? Should I be soft-spoken and ladylike?

Then she answered me, just be yourself.

But now I'm in a dilemma. What exactly being myself means.

Is it means that I can do all the way I want?
But, if I just do things haughtily, it will be baaad.
What will people think of me, is it really proper?
What is my real intention? Or maybe I just want to show off?
Is it get in the way with others sensitivity?

Sigh..

There is a lot of thing to be think about when you started to become adult.

And I still don't find the meaning just yet.

Wassalam.

Tarbiah Babysitter

Assalamualaikum,

So, for more than a week, I changed my carrier from being a maid to a babysitter.

I like kids because they are cute. Awwwwh.... cliche answer!
One more reason why I like kids is because they are so clean and innocent, and you have the ability to paint them. You are their first teacher. You can influence them greatly. Positively.... or negatively.
And they are cute!

There is an easy way to to take care of kids. You  just make them do what you ask them to do by force. They may cry but who cares, it is easier for you.

But you can do it the other way. The haaaard way.

Give your kid a lot of love.

The parents, I used to think they spoiled the girl too much but hey, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us to treat kids kindly. I observe how they treat their child, how they didn't force their daughter to do anything they want but let she do willingly instead. Like taking bath.. etc. It is quite hard, but it gives good impact to the kid. She grows up happily and there are times when she can become such a sweetie.

I now learned about PATIENCE.

Patience is a virtue indeed. Patience needs time and maturity. Your patience will be tested constantly until your last breath.

When you take care of children, you will learn how to be patience with them when:

1) They want you to do what they want

2) They don't want to do what you ask them to do

3) When they make a mess and you clean it. Then they make a mess again

4) When you want to feed them and they are running and playing around

etc..... etc...

The key for everything?                 SABAR.

Wassalam..

Surviving a Heartbreak

Assalamualaikum..

You know, I once liked a guy very much. An average looking kind-hearted guy. I liked him because he is kind.. and nice.. and I could feel the chemistry between us. Kinda cute too (ssssshhhhh..)

And then.. I was told that he is not available. It means that I can't pursue him anymore.

When I first discovered about that, I was brokenhearted to my surprise. I even unfriend him on fb, how immature of me! I was not-so-quickly recovered. It's amazing how 'love' can cause such a pain.

But hey, I am still alive!

I analysed the reason why I liked him so much. So these are the reasons (maybe) :

1) I really rarely communicate with guys, but last year I need to deal with him about some business. So, yeah. Butterfly in my stomach.

2) He is really kind and it's quite rare to find a really nice guy like that. The kind that makes you feel secure if you want him to be your partner for life. Lol

3) We just 'clique'. Or am I the only one who feels like that? 

4) I thought that the feeling was mutual ! Well, I'm just the only one who feels like that.

It's okay, que sera sera.

But wait, I have a confession to make! Actually.. I do stalked him now and then. I even used my senior's fb account to stalk him. (Senorita, please log out of your fb account everytime you use my laptop)

Yes, it's fate that keeps us apart (Ceewah). And.. and.. I think he is too good for me. I myself know my weakness, my flaws....

Time heals... but I need more time.

I hope that he can find his happiness in this dunya and hereafter.

Wassalam.